-         The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

-         I see cards that say “Get well soon” Fuck that. Get well now!

-         I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. The paper I used said “happy birthday” on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I wrote “Jesus” on it.

-         Saying “I’m sorry” is the same as saying “I apologize” except at a funeral.

-         Malaria kills one million people a year. Meanwhile, only 10,000 people, ever, have died from terrorist attacks.

-         There is more bacteria in your mouth then there are people on the planet.

-         Stutterers don’t stutter when they whisper.

-         Traveling at 20,000kmh, it would take 108,000 years to reach the nearest star to earth.

-         Jack the ripper only killed on weekends.

-         Half of all our food produce in America is never eaten.  Either it’s never harvested or simply thrown away.

-         Apple seeds contain cyanide.